I thought I was destined for something else.

I thought we were Destined to be Dinks (Dual Income No Kids)

I think I’ve probably written a post about being Dinks in my head about a 1000 times.  I would lay awake at night wondering how my life had taken such a turn & how what I thought was my purpose in life really wasn’t.   You see it wasn’t as easy as everyone says it is for us to get pregnant.  Many of you reading this probably already know this little tidbit.  I haven’t been terribly private in my real life about the subject, but I also haven’t been outwardly public either.

There is a strange amount of guilt & pain that you feel as a woman when you’re told that your body doesn’t work the way it is designed to work.  It is hard to put into words, but trust me when I say you feel inadequate.   Even the most supportive of spouses, friends, and family members can’t fix these feelings. 

Then there is the infertility rabbit hole that you can fall into quite easily.  You know the one where you spend your days on the internet “researching”.  You can find yourself getting together with other friends who are experiencing similar issues to commiserate exchange stories .  These friendships can be both immensely comforting, but equally toxic.   

For REF & me we both always saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but I think REF saw it brighter than I did.  I didn’t really imagine we’d ever be in the situation that we’re in right now: 8 months pregnant.  I kind of just imagined we’d be the really involved aunt & uncle.  I had somewhat come to terms with that.  I found immense solace in driving up to see my nephew, but I’d get the exact opposite feeling when I’d drive home. 

We had done the counting, the temperature taking, the blood samples, the pill popping, the ultrasounds, and even a really painful surgery.  It had gotten to the point, for me, where I felt like we were putting a lot in & only getting an empty bank account in return.

So, after the surgery in May (one that may or may not produce results), we were told to take a break & wait until the fall of 2012 to try any further medical treatments.  We were advised to let our bodies take a break, heal themselves, etc.  While it seemed on the surface like a really dumb decision to put stuff on “hold” after what seemed like FOREVER and a day of trying I trusted our doctor, REF trusted our doctor, and that’s what we decided to do.

So, what happened?  Well, we got pregnant.  I don’t think it was like that cliché that everyone tells you “once you stop thinking about it, it will just happen”, because I never stopped thinking about it, not for a second. Any couple that has been through this knows that you NEVER stop thinking about it.  I still haven’t.  I just think all of the stars aligned & I think everything just happened to decide to “work” at exactly the same time.  The doctors don’t really have an answer as to why & for now I don’t really care as to ‘why’.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 3.5 years recently.  I’ve been trying to figure out what it all meant.  I’ve come to realize that the experience REF & I went through brought us together in a way I hadn’t expected.  It made me look at REF in a different light.  He’s much more optimist than I ever realized.  He never once felt the doubt that I did.  He never let the insecurities get to me to.  Sometimes this bugged me because I just wanted to have a pity party some days, but for the most part it made me love him so much more.

I’ve realized we only have 8 weekends left of just our family of 3 (don’t forget about Winston) & I want to make the most of that time we have together.  I realize our lives are about to change in a way I can’t anticipate & can’t plan for…as much as I’ll try.